Down the Rabbit Hole

Where do we go from there?

Today

Went to my first Buddhist meditation and it was awesome, going back next week.  Also picked up a couple of books Heart Jewel and Introduction to Buddhism both by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso, pumped to start reading up.

Life

I haven’t had a day off in two weeks, out of the past 336 hours I have spent around 120 hours at work, 30 in class, and another 50 on school work and related things.  I have had a 136 hours of free time in the past 14 days I’ve been averaging about 6 hours of sleep on a good day, that’s left about 52 hours.  52 hours or about 3.5 hours a day to eat, shower, exercise, and relax.  I’m about to explode at this point and tomorrow I get the afternoon off after classes.  I’m so happy, but I have so much school work to do it’s not even going to feel like a day off.  Then I’m back to not really knowing when my next day off from work will come.  I’ve got my next PCAT on November 2nd and I haven’t even started studying yet, and if I don’t get at least in the 85 percentile or higher I probably won’t be going to Pharmacy school next year.  I’m working my ass off to pay for my applications and tests and it might all be for nothing.  I haven’t let these thoughts creep in lately, but I’ve been particularly depressed the past couple days and I’m really tired of taking shit from people and scraping by a meager existence with no chance in sight of having an actual life.  I keep thinking it’ll be worth it one day, but my past experiences keep telling me it’s not that perhaps I’m destined to fail.  If I do I’ll try again next year with some more qualifications under my belt that can open up more doors, but I really want to move to that next step in my life where I know which direction I’m headed in and how I am getting there.  I suppose most of all I really just want to stall the anger and hatred I have towards myself for not being more than I am.  I need to prove to myself at some point that I’m not just a fuck up and that I can actually follow through with something I set my sights on.

Someone asked me…

Why I am the way I am and all I said was:

"Every morning I wake up with fire in my belly and venom on the tip of my tongue."